Non Golfer Guide to Getting Dumped On Valentine’s Day

Organise a romantic dinner… at the clubhouse

Get “stuck overdue a slow ball” (so you can play an uneaten 9)

The oldest and most transparent trick in the book. You think you have us fooled. We know you’re just lamister your in-laws/parental duties/taking the bins out/anything.

‘One for the road’ with your clubmates surpassing hometime

Bring home a selection of ‘wild’ (course) flowers

If you come home with gorse and heather which you’ve hacked self-ruling of its moorings on Royal St. George’s, you can expect a reception as frosty as a round at Lofoten Golf Links (there’s a reference you’ll hopefully understand, darling).

Break the washing machine (again)

The withering of every non-golfers life: tees between the sofa cushions, tees all over the car, tees in every stratify pocket (even the ones that aren’t yours?!) and worst of the worst: tees which managed to wedge themselves in the washing machine, breaking it irreparably.

Shadow swing, everywhere and at all times, considering we love that…

“I’m not doing anything” you say, as you line up for your next invisible swing at the baby/the dog/the basket overflowing with laundry which needs folding. “We said ‘no golf’ tonight” we’ll say in response. And you’ll smirk considering you know you found a way virtually that little clause.

Take a undeniability from the rest of ‘the Board’ just as we sit lanugo for dinner

We don’t know how to tell you this: but that fake, made-up golf cup which you and your mates created to compete over, the one with the plane increasingly made-up ‘board of governors’ of which you are the self-elected chair? Well it’s made up. There we said it.

Ruin the dog’s Valentine’s Day too…

Your idea of ‘course trained’ and the dog’s are vastly different.

The dog’s version of undertow training is chasing the golf ball, dragging your bag (which we *told* you not to tie him to) into the rough without squirrels, and swallowing the undertow booklet which he’s spent the last eighteen holes slowly masticating (we told you not to let him siphon that, too).

Queue-up the ‘Full Swing’ golf documentary

This show is like the Jeepers-Creepers of documentaries in that it’s veritably mortiferous to all non-golfers. We know you’re excited, we just don’t need to hear well-nigh it.

Use undertow content as appetisers

‘Just one time’ was one time too many for that video of you making that birdie putt. Don’t. Show. Us.

If without reading these you finger like you need to treat your golfing partner or golf widow then why not trammels out the Top 10 Romantic Golf Break ideas.